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(6 wishs | the clock says 1:43)

justification [01 May 2005|11:39pm]
[ mood | curious ]

My head is exploding.
Sure, this is just one of the countless times I've had a million emotions just coursing through my body but this time it feels monumental. I guess the past almost 18 years of trying to figure shit out really gets to a human being. I've just been shoved and pushed in all these different directions and to all these different places that it is only now that I know; I have no earthly idea what to do with my life or what to think about who I want to be.
For the first time in my life I'm clean. I am through with meaningless words, through with forced emotion and through with feeling inadequate; because I am not inadequate. I am a young, healthy and curious human being with the world sitting right at my feet; not asking me to indulge in its wonders, not making me work and work and work to find some sense of meaning; its just there with open arms.
We are all given choices in our lives. We are all given our specific situations, enviroments and challenges..at least thats what I think.
Most of us go through every day worrying about something so insignificant to the scheme of things that it makes us sick when reality hits every so often; whether it be some national tradegy or just the death of a loved one. Rob said it right "there is always someone who has it worse". It's true...we are all always going to be lucky but we are all still going to be making excuses about it.
Everythings kinda shaky right now in my life. Ive been dwindling on the past for a good two months now trying to work it all together, hating myself for stupid mistakes. Now I'm just scared I will fall back into old ways and not learn a thing from it.
I just spent a year and half with someone I loved, cherished more than anyone in the world and the worst part about it all is that he still does not know me, the person that is inside of my body. I never let him in because I always felt I wasn't good enough, wasn't what he wanted and it turned into anger and jealously. I am not an angry or jealous person. He would tell me I was driving him away and I was. I was spending my time just thinking and not loving.
I don't want to make that mistake again. I don't want impure feelings.
I just want to love. I want to look around me and just smile. I want to hug my little brother before he goes to sleep and tell him I love him every night even if I wanted to dropkick him an hour before. I want my parents to know I look up to them with everything even though I've been blaming them for ruining my life for the past 5 years. I want to thank them for bringing two more amazing people into my life by getting divorced (not to mention my brothers and sisters). I want all of my friends to know that without them I would go crazy; want them to know every drive home at 6 am in the morning after a long night of partying is my favorite part. Most of all though I want to tell myself that I'm a wonderful person every night because that is how I lived my life that day. I want to peacefully fall asleep knowing that the day before could not have been any better than it was.
I just want to be at peace.

(the clock says 1:43)

Poke me! [12 Dec 2004|10:08pm]
I'm totally stoked for this to be the last week of school until the beautiful holidays!
I have so much to look forward to. Christmas lights, ice skating, cuddling in the cold, some good girl nights, Baltimore, New Years kiss.

(the clock says 1:43)

Its the movies. [27 Nov 2004|08:59pm]
"I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us.
I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real.
And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives,
i'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees,learning from each other and growing in love.
The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more,
that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me.
That's what I hope to give to you forever.
I love you."
-The Notebook

oh, tear.

(2 wishs | the clock says 1:43)

If you only knew how much I hated you [27 Nov 2004|09:04am]
I can't wait for this month to fly by.
A new year sounds absolutely GREAT.

Fuck heartbreak

(the clock says 1:43)

I'm going public. [26 Nov 2004|04:45pm]
Its the realization that I was a doormat that makes me smile.
No longer will I live for anyone else except my beautiful family and friends.
I have expectations and they will be honored.
I cannot wait for an amazing Christmas and an even more amazing New Years with the people I love the most.
It's not that I couldn't adjust to the ocean breeze; it's the true friends that I left behind.

Maija...I was thinking today about you coming down next year for college and I sincerely believe it could work. We could work. We will be our own little amazing relationship with tons of flowers, livejournal comments and love all over the place. We're the best at being strong! Ya

(1 wish | the clock says 1:43)

[25 Nov 2004|03:40pm]
I'm so hurt and I'm so upset by everyone in Mt. Pleasant. Its like the past nine months of my life have been empty. I can't believe the train of thought that some people possess, can't believe how easy it is for others to feel like they need to be in your business. I guess its the price we all pay for being kind and thoughtful. I got shit on; I really did by people I thought I could trust, people who had always been amazing to me.
I don't know if its the fact that Zachary will never be in my life again that hurts me or if its the way he feels about me. I never wanted the most amazing person in my life to hate the thought of me but I've paved my way for that hatred. Love is inevitable but I need to be on my own.
It started all wrong in the first place. I was never taken out or wooed over. I've been completely stepped on and I need to see this as just another bump in the road, something I need to get over. Its not going to kill me.
Friendship was ALL I ever wanted from any of my boyfriends and I know that now. I love Zach and I hope we can be friends just like Paul and I are now.

I just have to do what I want to do and I really will this time. I'll do things that make me happy instead of focusing completely on someone else. I always wondered where that beautiful, confident girl went from freshman year.
I'm giddy with that idea.

Being around my family is amazing though. I realized how shitty other people really are. My heart tells me to just look past it and feel compassion for such sore souls but my mind wants to kill them all. Its so sad to think of people being truthful to you but in the end no one is ever really truthful to anyone.


(the clock says 1:43)

My family is cooler than yours. Yeah. [24 Nov 2004|07:54pm]
Well this is all a success. I love my family and I'm so happy we are all together.
Today was exciting. My aunts and I are so darn sneaky about everything. First it was the birthday cake, then the spinach dip and then the weenies. I love them.
and I love Zachary.

(the clock says 1:43)

[14 Nov 2004|10:06am]
Wow today has been really shitty but its probably just a result of my overall shitiness.
I haven't been the coolest person to be around lately.
I'm not the ray of sunshine that I used to be but I'm working on it and everyone can use a little bit of improvement.

Thanksgiving is coming near and I'm leaving thank god. Maybe I'll meet some really attractive country boy and make him worship me..or maybe I'll just meet a cow. Either way I guess its the same.

Paul..Can I borrow your copy of Catch 22?

(the clock says 1:43)

Winter Nights [27 Oct 2004|03:53pm]
I absolutely cannot wait for winter, hoodies, cuddling and cold noses.
I can't wait for this pent up curiosty inside of myself to come out.

Who finally broke an 1100 on their SAT's?
I was so excited but that doesn't extend my deadlines so I need to get on that.
As of right now I have no idea where I want to go to college.
I was so set on College of Charleston but now I have no earthly idea of where would be the best place for me.
Oh well. I'm sure I'll have some sort of epiphany in the days to come.

I think I finally realized senior year is definitely going to be fun.
I'm finally on the right track, with everything so cut and dry, it's fabulous.

I think wildlife biology is making me a better person.
That along with Gary Smith coming to newspaper today.
That man is wonderful, beautiful and any flattering adjective that comes to mind.
(I would have his first born if it wasn't already alive)
He really set me at ease about how to interview this scrawny little freshman.

I got my senior pictures finally.
There is way too many large pictures of my head, thats for sure.

Someone needs to take me to prom in Michigan I decided.. Diana do you need a date?

(5 wishs | the clock says 1:43)

And there's things I'd like to do that you don't believe in [18 Oct 2004|04:08pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Well, I'm free.
I haven't been appreciating any of the beauty around me and been settling for so much less than I should.
I'm alive, healthy and I have the capacity to love everything and everyone around me, so why shouldn't I?
I'm ready to be too much of myself to invest my time trying to be something for him.

(the clock says 1:43)

Ah. Story Ideas. [01 Sep 2004|08:39pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

So senior year.
So far it hasn't been a year of my dreams but it could get better.
I don't think I've missed my class in Michigan as much as I do right now.
You don't appreciate growing up with everyone until they're gone.
I would give anything to be in Mae's basement right now with Missy and talk till 5 in the morning or take wimpy ass shots around my bar. We grew up so much together but my link got completely severed. Hopefully and Mae I will try my goddamn hardest I will be going to Cancun with you!
School is school.
Work is great. I can't say I've ever known as many coke addicts as I do know.
I hope Frances kicks Mt. Pleasants ass.

(the clock says 1:43)

It was when I forgot about myself, that I truly started to die. [25 Jul 2004|08:49pm]
A long summer winding down. I left with this vision of just another long period of time where I could delve in the art of missing but to my most wildest dreams it became the most pivotal moment of my life.
"Not all who wander are lost"
My two weeks of camping in the most beautiful spots of Maine were truly amazing and I forgot what it was like to be surrounded by nothing but the smell of Balsam and freedom. I was so alone this summer, so full of floating thoughts that I finally learned how to harness, how to put under control. I know who I am and I can finally say my life has meaning, at least to me.
I've learned so much in this enchanting state that unfortunately can only be learned by desire. I spent nights under faultless skies, I stood on towering mountains only to feel even more insignificant to this massive world and I saw hearts bursting too big. I fought against my long felt grudges and realized that underneath it all was a person I can admire.

I'm the luckiest girl alive right now. I have the most supportive family, the most beautiful friends and I'm so in love its ridiculous.

Maija and Ash are coming down for a week a couple days after I get back. I swear its never-ending this friendship we possess. They are like the sisters I never had and I look up to them with the utmost respect.

I've been serious for too long and I'm so ready.

(the clock says 1:43)

Love doesn't like me. [06 Jul 2004|09:08am]
I need a day filled with alcohol just to tell you that you smell and you aren't appreciative.

anyways. 4 days till the end of civilization but Maija comes today so all is well.
I'll have a good breakdown and he will probably kill me if he could reach through the phone.

I'm sick of Ohio.

(the clock says 1:43)

I've never been so alone...and I've never been so alive. [05 Jul 2004|05:03pm]
My birthday's coming up.
I watched Monster last night. Not a really great movie to watch with your father but it opened me up to a good deal of mixed sympathies, I guess.
I really know I shouldn't be taking this whole going to Maine for 2 weeks thing for granted because it is my idea and all but I want to be a normal teenager for more than a week.
I'll be in Maine, minus a cellphone/address, for 17 days.
I finally get to climb Mt. Katahdan and kayak off of the east shore.
I have my own tent this year too so I'm roughing it.
I can't wait to come home and see Zach. I miss him so much.
I decided we should road trip to my house. It would be so grand and fun but I don't think Maijas vehicular would make it. Oh well it was your goal right to max it out?!

<3 Mal

(the clock says 1:43)

oh public postings. HEY MOM [01 Jul 2004|04:31pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

I'm angry right now and I most certainly do not want to be. I'm scared and full of past hesitations that I've tried so restlessly to rid myself of.
"there's a demon in my head"
i miss and thats all I know how to do. I hate money and it's burden. I hate that I have not spent an iota of quality time with my father. I hate SAT's and that its "standardized testing". I WANT TO SUCCEED but I moved away from my well earned succession and I'm scared to fail; to disappoint. I want a perfect body along with a perfect life. I want to do something I don't know how to do, be someone so out of my realm. I can succeed. How do I get back to the place I always said I would be in?
How do I forget the lonliness I've felt all summer? I won't forget and I'll resist having a grudge but it will develop into anger towards a father I could never learn to fully love; someone so untouchable to understand that it forced this feeling of resentment.
I've filled with hope about next year though. It's an open window and I am an enclosed canary, I guess. I've been thinking a lot about a couple of series I want to make when I get back. My photography was on hold for awhile but there is so much I want to capture, so much I want people to see through my eyes, so maybe they can have the escape I always dreamed of. I cried today about not cheering next year, cried because I sacrificed one of the things I loved for a father who doesn't even see it. I didn't cheer so I didn't have to hurt him. Why did I do that? I'll never understand. I miss my Mother so much. I miss South Carolina so much. If I could bring 10 people from Michigan to South Carolina it would be the most perfect world, but it just doesn't happen that way and pretty soon I'll be 900 miles away from the ones who know me best. I just want to spend a night underneath the stars laying by the ocean.

Finish this indecision; fold away your childhood games and find out your appeal has been lost
Being cute only provides so much; when in the end people want the inner proof that they can believe in you
Open up to this adult world where your views and intentions finally belong
this is your chance, young girl with ambition, a worn path has been placed in front of you while your life is sucessfully marked behind your dirty heels.

(2 wishs | the clock says 1:43)

A success. In pictures your mine. [06 Jun 2004|11:27am]
Well I can honestly say this was a fufilling weekend.
Everything went very well I must say. Changing and remolding the person you are really comes in handy in the people department. I feel so much better around hostility and apprehension. It's okay for people to move on and seek other people and places. I guess I just have to appreciate the time they were there. (Please look back and smile)
I'm so proud to be who I am now. I'm no where near where I used to be...I know exactly when it happened and why. Sure there have been losses along the way but I know in time everything will fall back into play.
Last night was a really great time. I went to Pat's with Mel and Erica and, much to my dismay, everyone was civil towards me. Jimmy Conrad will never cease to be the funniest/best swing dancer ever to me.
Diana came and saved me for a bit. Went back to her house to watch Vince mercilessly play some rank war video game. Josh pissed Diana off and then we went back to Pat's for the second round which was a lot more pleasant than the first time around except for Mikes insistent pleas for sex (please you have someone who will give you that all the time, you don't need me haha). We stayed for awhile until Mike's punches got too hard and we went back to Di's only to leave with Linz to go to Steves'.
Smeagals was a great time. Sitting around the bonfire with the abundance of 'bon' really set my feelings off. I never thought I could miss a group of people so much but if I came back they would all be gone anyways. It would just be me and Diana which could quite possibly be better than any ocean/surf. And of course Maha and Ash would still be there too. Jake came and created some past windstorms to start...he's way too good for that.
Finally...Maija, Ash, Mel and Mr. Daniels came. Oh finally Mike and I had a great conversation lasting into the light morning hours. It was a good time and I love Michigan more than anything. It's sad really.
Friendships/Relationships are a strange work of art. Everything is so complicated but in the end it never had to be at all. Why do we get mad or hark on each others feelings. Hmm.. Dating doesn't seem appealing to me at all this summer but I really think it's going to when I get back to South Caro. I think I finally have my head on straight.

(1 wish | the clock says 1:43)

Oh LiveJournal, how I have neglected you so. [03 Jun 2004|03:24pm]
Well back to being a Northern Girl for a couple months. I never realized how much emphasis people have on their region of living than those in the South have. Never once did I care that I was "born and raised in the North" hmph. Whatever.

I'm coming to Michigan tonight. Maija is coming to pick me up after the matchbook concert. I realized how much I have grown since the last time I went up. The shit I put myself through, I mean come on Mallory do you like pain?
I'm not going to push and prod, involve myself with selfless people who don't care about anything. I will be with the ones I love Oh Maha. haha

The last couple days in South Carolina were beautiful...I've found a best friend in Zach and broke through the many barriers not allowing us to grow closer. It was sad really, the way in which things were being held back. My feelings of an idealistic past were shot thats for sure.

This summer is going to be a great experience for me as well. I've already finished half of my first book on my reading list. Its' a great one let me tell you. I'm going to be with the people I pined for all year. I'm finally going to have to save up money for something: the car. It's just going to be good and humbling for me to not always be on the run, every which way.

I have noticed though that Ohio is a neutral area for me. I don't miss here. I mean of course I miss the individuals but dwelling here is this sanctuary. I feel content here, not quite pleased but never abandoned. I love it and it's own mediocre way.


(2 wishs | the clock says 1:43)

Teenage Dirtball. [13 May 2004|03:57pm]
I am making my life way too complicated.
I used to be such a vivacious, bustling young gal.
What happened?
Oh well it's probably just the weather or something.
Is it okay if I still want you?


(4 wishs | the clock says 1:43)

[05 May 2004|08:20pm]
I've never lived such double lives. such lies.
Its funny how it's all played out. Fuck Mt. Pleasant.
I'm tangled in a unmotivated, forced lifestyle with everyone around me trying to figure me out. Stop. It's not worth it you never will.
I'm wrong for letting the one person I thought never could, hurt me.
Your so oblivious to what acutally goes on. Take a step outside of your own little world.
I can't wait till I'm allowed to be my own bi-polar, indecisive, beautiful self.
If maija comes down the 22nd I might actually be able to breath easy. I absolutley cannot wait. I hope it happens for her and my sake. Singing, dancing the works.

(the clock says 1:43)

[05 May 2004|06:43pm]
Well I just went surfing. It was grand.
I got my phone back. Yeah thats grand.
I was used. That wasn't too great.
I'm finally motivated.
Next weekend is my cousins grad party. What?
Lake house all weekend. Mad times.
I had a very deep conversation with Mrs. Visscher today about Bob Dylan.
I absolutely cannot wait to go to Chesterfield this summer.
I miss everyone so bad you don't even know.
Someone should come visit me right now! That would be amazing.
Your welcome anytime.


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